Sometimes i feel like no amount of positivity can shut down the worrying and the demons in your brain when you have anxiety.
Fucking hate this.
I just went through like 30 something pages of tumblr to catch up on today.
Things I want to address:
Tina Fey’s, “Bossypants”, is pretty much awesome.
I am only a few chapters in, but I am super stoked to have found a book that I can read past the first page. Or even the first chapter, and actually remember what I read.
Fact: I love to read.
Truth be told, I don’t know if it was my anxiety in the past, but this is the first time since I’ve started to work on my anxiety, that I’ve really sat down to read in the past year and had no problem actually shutting my brain down for once.
I didn’t go on the computer simultaneously, read a few pages of my book then refresh my dash. Or promise myself that if I read til the end of that page, I can check my phone. Nor was I hurrying up to try to get to the next chapter, like it was a game and I had to not be the last one to finish. I even think I read in a timely manner. AND, this is a big one for me, I even had it silent in my room and was still able to concentrate.
I know this doesn’t mean much to a lot of people, but this is some leaps and bounds shit for me.
I’ve pushed through so much of this anxiety/depression bullshit in the last seven months, and about 99% of my days I’m left numb/empty (and that’s an entirely new problem to deal with), but it feels so fucking good to notice the little things that always stressed me out all the time, that no longer do.
My family is so fucked up.
We found out on Thursday night my cousin was dead. He is like a third cousin or something. I see him once a year, if that. He had really awful social issues.
He was 24 living in his Mom’s trailer, because she went into a diabetic coma and had a stroke while she was in the coma and is now paralyzed living in an assisted living home. (Seriously, 2011 was the worst year ever for myself and those around me)
He was alone for the holidays. And what we just found out was he had hung himself sometime after the holidays but before the new year.
I said to my mom, I’m sure he was depressed. That could account for his weight loss, etc. She was like well he had a bunch of mental disorders, etc. And I made the comment…”Jesus christ, our family is so messed up. It seems like everyone in the family has a mental disorder”…She was like “we do, it runs in the family”.
THANKS FOR THAT GEM OF INFORMATION.
But I’m an asshole for “claiming” I have anxiety and depression and for not just “getting over it”.
*big ol’ deep sigh*.
Being sick inside your own head, is the worst thing in the entire world. If you feel this way - Talk about it with SOMEONE. Anyone. Don’t be scared. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable, it will lift some of the weight off of your chest, I promise you. It’s a fucking terrifying task, but you are the only one that can save yourself. I’m here…I’ve been through. I’m STILL going through it. Reach out.